I know it’s hard
believe me
i know it feels like
tomorrow will never come
and today will be the most
difficult day to get through
but i swear you will get through
the hurt will pass
as it always does
if you give it time and
let it so let it
go
slowly
like a broken promise
let it go

by Rupi Kaur in his book Milk and Honey

~You might not be worth letting go, but I am. I’m sorry.

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A German Confession

It’s almost the end of November,ย which also means it’s almost the beginning of December. ๐Ÿ˜–

A couple of posts before, I write about my goal to learn german in 5 months, and be able to speak auf Deutsch with a deutsche on early December. And now, it’s the 149th day of the 150 days challenge. As bad as it is, I have to confess that Iย dont think I can complete the challenge as yet. Oh god, I feel so bad ๐Ÿ˜ฅ๐Ÿ˜ญ. Not because I have to buy kebe his 130 euro watch, not because I didn’t get my DW Classy Winchester either. But because I failed myself ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

I know I shouldn’t aim too high, dream too big .. ย wait, sorry. No, there’s nothing wrong with aiming high or dreaming big. Dream as big as you can because if your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough!ย So this is not about dreaming big, but it’s about self motivation and believe in yourself.

It’s a lie if I say I didn’t learn anything after 5 months. I did actually. I even took a mock german fluency test yesterday to know what’s my current level, and I got 87% for A1 test. ๐ŸŽ‰ It also mentioned that I should now be doing A2 exercises, which is not bad, right? During the past five months, I’ve studied a textbook cover-to-cover, hired a tutor, took german class at the U, practiced reading at least one chapter a week with Kebe, practiced speaking with Kebe, wrote journal entries in german (I only did 3 entries actually ๐Ÿ˜…), made flashcards, studied flashcards, i don’t even want to start with my homework… Anyway, the point is, I didn’t actually FAILED myself. I may not be able to complete the challenge, but at least I’m moving towards it.

Doing this challenge has taught me something, even since the beginning of the challenge:

  1. I need to work on my self motivation. A $130 watch, a bunch of supportive friends, a tutor, and teachers can’t help me if I didn’t help myself. I might have to start with small goals and try to push myself towards bigger ones, so that I know I can actually accomplish something.
  2. Do it, then say it! Not the other way around. Seriously, I can plan as many amazing plans but all talk no action makes what? You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do. Besides, it’s always better to say you did something, than you hope you did it.
  3. I am not going to accomplish every goal I set; however, it doesnโ€™t mean I shouldnโ€™t try. It means I should keep trying!
  4. Learning new language is not as easy as I planned to be. Sheesh …

Well, I guess I did learn something from the #LearnGermanIn5Months challenge, and the most important part I learn is that it’s okay to fail, even when you fail yourself. It’s hard at first, knowing how many goals I set and never actually achieve them. It’s harder when the only one I can blame is myself. But guess what, the good news is the only one who can change this and make me feel amazing is me myself too ๐Ÿ˜!

By the way, I’m not giving up on german. I’m gonna complete this challenge, soon. ๐Ÿ’ช

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Summer baby ๐Ÿ‘™

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Summer has officially started 10 days ago. And mannn, the sun shines scorchingly hotter day by day ๐Ÿ˜Žโ˜€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘™. It’s 37 C today. Ironically, as summer started, I was already done with my summer classes since I took only one course, Partial Differential Equation, and it’s only for the first half of the semester. Which means that all homework, quizzes, midterm, and final were done in six weeks! Alhamdulillah, I aced it ๐Ÿ’ช

I feel like summer is the period where people go out on search for themselves. Because with no school, less people around, less drama, and less energy, you’ll start questioning, what life is for? … Or is it just me?

I remember at the end of May, spending hours with Paan, thinking and discussing what I should do with my life over a double choc chip frappe. I kept asking questions like, how can I trust myself? (because I tend to ask people’s approval before doing anything), or how to be happy? (because I think I’m not). I even thoughtย on going backpacking, on my own. Because people find themselves at times like that, right? ๐Ÿ˜… I’ve done all the research, flight tickets, places to stay, how to survive, etc. But I didn’t actually do it because I know mommy would never say yes. My mind was full of questions at that time, but none was actually fully answered, not even today.

But membazir laa if after all those hours, I say I didn’t get anything. I do. I learned instead of asking how, you just do it. Instead of asking how to be happy, you just be happy. But HOWWW, you’ll ask. I don’t know, just do it ๐Ÿ˜

Anywayyy, having nothing to do for the rest of the semester (except working 8 hours a week), I have already listed tons of things waiting to be done and crossed. Being a list-goddess, myย summer plans were constructed three months before summer actually starts ๐Ÿ˜‚.

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This was listed 3 months ago (over a frappe too, I believe)

(Tons of things laa sangat kann? ๐Ÿ’) Hmmm, I do work part time, but not as much as I planned to. No research. No travel. No UK. Litttlllleee bit of Matlab learned. But oh well, who says there’s no plan B? ๐Ÿ˜

I’ve decided to make full use of my summer, since I can do ANYTHING I want, andย I’ve listed almost 20 projects to be done. But someone told me to not tell off your plans, until you actually accomplished them. Some of these projects take short amount of time, some take as much as five months. I’ll update as soon as I finished any one of them. Until then, have a nice summer, Ramadhan, and Eid Mubarak!

p/s: there might actually be a post onย the five-month project since I need all the support I can. Hmmm, we’ll see ๐Ÿ˜˜

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Post finals thoughts

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I tak tahu what I wanna write, but I sure want to write something. So let’s both see where this is going.

I’ve made a lot of thinking this past few days, probably because I had no other stuff to think about (finals over!), or probably it’s that time of the month whereย my emotions swing like crazy, or probablyย this mind’s too crowded and need a little sweep off the corner and re-organize here and there. Whatever the reason, it sure makes me realized how messed up and blessed my life is, at least that’s the view from my window.

Tons of things happened this semester. Our first ever Malaysian Night, taking 16 credits, working 10 hours a week (plus tutoring!), spring roadtrip, usrahs and stuff, women’s group discussion, house hunting, senior’s graduation, and just some random late night conversations that made me thinking for days and weeks. All of which I wish would end up in their own personal posts someday (probably here, probably my other blog). But oh well, I too wish I have more time, or better, amazing knack in writing!

Of all the things that happen, I am most grateful for the second chance(s) given.ย Another homework to make up my 1/10 quiz score, another phone call to say sorry, another treat to become a better friend, another solah to repent my repeated sins, another textย to say I love you, another morning to wake up earlier and be healthy, another smile after another tear, and just another day to live and re-live. One more chance is all I need. Thank you to those who stay, and… GOSH listening to instrumental music really doesn’t help in writing a post ’cause I actually did not plan to write mushy stuff tonight!

*switching to FOB*

Basically yeah, terima kasih jadi kawan saya! โค big hugs for you, now go live your life ๐Ÿ˜›