One and a half legs

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For the past couple of days, I have been walking around the house, to and from campus, and around campus with one and a half legs (I know it doesn’t make any sense πŸ˜…). A few days ago, after attending a lot of makan-makan raya at aunties and sis su’s place, bless them, I feel insecure about myself and decided to start exercising πŸ’ͺΒ (you should have figured out where this is going). I was only going to exercise just that one time as there’s no need to put big goals because honestly, the longest streak is four days of exercising, followed by two months of minimum physical activities.

As always, my go to place is blogilates. But since I’m so lazy liddat, I only targeted my legs, and the first video that showed up was ‘Killer Calves Workout’ with length of 5 minutes, sweeeeeet! 😍 So I did the workout excitedly, even repeat it twice! 10 minutes max, and then went around kemas rumah, did my homework, and ate waffles, feeling toned and slim already πŸ˜‚. Little did I know, my lack of wisdom for not cooling down resulted in days of torture 😭. My calves hurt so bad the next day, and hurt a lot more the day after (which is today). I can’t straighten my left leg, and can barely walk! Have to henjut-henjut everywhere I go. A 10-minute trip to trax station now costs me 20 minutesΒ πŸ˜”.

This morning, the extra time from walking so slowly towards the Geology building left me some space to think and muhasabah. I may have mentioned to Ety and Alia and people around me that my legs hurt so bad, but deep down I know this is the least of ujian that Allah had given me, compared to all the blessings that I have been rained upon (read: dihujani).

2017 has been a great year for me so far, Alhamdulillah. So many amazing things had happened in my life and I am still blessed with so many more. Sometimes I think all these rezeki and doors of opportunity come rolling to my feet without me doing anything. I’m not being ungrateful, but with the sins that I kept doing (I’m nowhere near a pious Muslim, and Allah knows that), I feel like I don’t deserve any of these. And I feel like it’s wrong to complain on an almost-broken leg. Plus, they only started to hurt the day AFTER I walked a thousand steps at Costco, shopping my heart out. See what He did there? He let me go buy things that I love to make my heart happy, before taking my nikmat berjalan temporarily. Imagine going shopping with these legs πŸ˜–.

Times like this are a good reminder for us to be grateful and I hope we are among the small group who always bersyukur for whatever He gave upon us, in shaa Allah, because …

grateful

I know it’s hard
believe me
i know it feels like
tomorrow will never come
and today will be the most
difficult day to get through
but i swear you will get through
the hurt will pass
as it always does
if you give it time and
let it so let it
go
slowly
like a broken promise
let it go

by Rupi Kaur in his book Milk and Honey

~You might not be worth letting go, but I am. I’m sorry.

A German Confession

It’s almost the end of November,Β which also means it’s almost the beginning of December. πŸ˜–

A couple of posts before, I write about my goal to learn german in 5 months, and be able to speak auf Deutsch with a deutsche on early December. And now, it’s the 149th day of the 150 days challenge. As bad as it is, I have to confess that IΒ dont think I can complete the challenge as yet. Oh god, I feel so bad πŸ˜₯😭. Not because I have to buy kebe his 130 euro watch, not because I didn’t get my DW Classy Winchester either. But because I failed myself 😭.

I know I shouldn’t aim too high, dream too big .. Β wait, sorry. No, there’s nothing wrong with aiming high or dreaming big. Dream as big as you can because if your dream doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough!Β So this is not about dreaming big, but it’s about self motivation and believe in yourself.

It’s a lie if I say I didn’t learn anything after 5 months. I did actually. I even took a mock german fluency test yesterday to know what’s my current level, and I got 87% for A1 test. πŸŽ‰ It also mentioned that I should now be doing A2 exercises, which is not bad, right? During the past five months, I’ve studied a textbook cover-to-cover, hired a tutor, took german class at the U, practiced reading at least one chapter a week with Kebe, practiced speaking with Kebe, wrote journal entries in german (I only did 3 entries actually πŸ˜…), made flashcards, studied flashcards, i don’t even want to start with my homework… Anyway, the point is, I didn’t actually FAILED myself. I may not be able to complete the challenge, but at least I’m moving towards it.

Doing this challenge has taught me something, even since the beginning of the challenge:

  1. I need to work on my self motivation. A $130 watch, a bunch of supportive friends, a tutor, and teachers can’t help me if I didn’t help myself. I might have to start with small goals and try to push myself towards bigger ones, so that I know I can actually accomplish something.
  2. Do it, then say it! Not the other way around. Seriously, I can plan as many amazing plans but all talk no action makes what? You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do. Besides, it’s always better to say you did something, than you hope you did it.
  3. I am not going to accomplish every goal I set; however, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t try. It means I should keep trying!
  4. Learning new language is not as easy as I planned to be. Sheesh …

Well, I guess I did learn something from the #LearnGermanIn5Months challenge, and the most important part I learn is that it’s okay to fail, even when you fail yourself. It’s hard at first, knowing how many goals I set and never actually achieve them. It’s harder when the only one I can blame is myself. But guess what, the good news is the only one who can change this and make me feel amazing is me myself too 😁!

By the way, I’m not giving up on german. I’m gonna complete this challenge, soon. πŸ’ͺ

Summer baby πŸ‘™

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Summer has officially started 10 days ago. And mannn, the sun shines scorchingly hotter day by day πŸ˜Žβ˜€οΈπŸ‘™. It’s 37 C today. Ironically, as summer started, I was already done with my summer classes since I took only one course, Partial Differential Equation, and it’s only for the first half of the semester. Which means that all homework, quizzes, midterm, and final were done in six weeks! Alhamdulillah, I aced it πŸ’ͺ

I feel like summer is the period where people go out on search for themselves. Because with no school, less people around, less drama, and less energy, you’ll start questioning, what life is for? … Or is it just me?

I remember at the end of May, spending hours with Paan, thinking and discussing what I should do with my life over a double choc chip frappe. I kept asking questions like, how can I trust myself? (because I tend to ask people’s approval before doing anything), or how to be happy? (because I think I’m not). I even thoughtΒ on going backpacking, on my own. Because people find themselves at times like that, right? πŸ˜… I’ve done all the research, flight tickets, places to stay, how to survive, etc. But I didn’t actually do it because I know mommy would never say yes. My mind was full of questions at that time, but none was actually fully answered, not even today.

But membazir laa if after all those hours, I say I didn’t get anything. I do. I learned instead of asking how, you just do it. Instead of asking how to be happy, you just be happy. But HOWWW, you’ll ask. I don’t know, just do it 😁

Anywayyy, having nothing to do for the rest of the semester (except working 8 hours a week), I have already listed tons of things waiting to be done and crossed. Being a list-goddess, myΒ summer plans were constructed three months before summer actually starts πŸ˜‚.

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This was listed 3 months ago (over a frappe too, I believe)

(Tons of things laa sangat kann? πŸ’) Hmmm, I do work part time, but not as much as I planned to. No research. No travel. No UK. Litttlllleee bit of Matlab learned. But oh well, who says there’s no plan B? 😏

I’ve decided to make full use of my summer, since I can do ANYTHING I want, andΒ I’ve listed almost 20 projects to be done. But someone told me to not tell off your plans, until you actually accomplished them. Some of these projects take short amount of time, some take as much as five months. I’ll update as soon as I finished any one of them. Until then, have a nice summer, Ramadhan, and Eid Mubarak!

p/s: there might actually be a post onΒ the five-month project since I need all the support I can. Hmmm, we’ll see 😘