Pensil dilepas perlahan dan mata kembali menembus dinding. Zoned out.

“Apesal?” soal orang sebelah selepas beberapa ketika.

“Ntah laa,” mendatar.

Satu saat, dua saat.

“Aku tak rasa aku akan kahwin.”

Haih, dah start dah dia.”Kenapa pulak?” soalnya tanpa mengangkat kepala, pen tetap laju berjalan menulis lab report.

“Ntah laa, the idea itself. It’s so distant, macam… imposibble.”

“Which part? Sex?”

“Ih bongok laa kau!” satu jelingan dilepaskan, diikuti gelak kuat orang sebelah. Pen sudah dilepaskan, dan tangan direnggangkan. Boleh laa ni, take five.

“Ntah laa weh, to love and be loved so strong… sebab macam tipu la benda tu. Aku rasa tade orang, no one in hell can put up with my shits and still say he loves me. It’s just absurd!”

Kat hell memang laa tade, kau bukan nak kahwin dengan setan. Tapi dia cuma diam, mendengar. Gila nak reply macam tu.

“Tahu tak,” badan dialih dari Petrology dan sedimentary rocks di hadapan menghadap Fadh di sebelah kiri. “I always see tiny flaws in people. Like, oh I can’t be with this guy sebab dia macam ni macam ni. Or, I can never make this person happy, there’s no future for us sebab aku rasa he can’t handle me. Every guy I met, even I don’t feel anything for him, I’ll judge him for the smallest things.”

“Contohnya?”

“Contohnya, ni contoh bodoh-bodoh laa eh. Ada this one guy pernah termarah aku sikit. And you know how I react with orang marah-marah ni. Terus aku fikir macam, sorry dude, can’t be with you. Sebab he can’t handle me, that’s why dia marah, and I can’t handle his anger, walaupun he has all the reasons to be angry. Faham tak? Even when he comes with a thousand gentleman qualities inside him.”

“Tak boleh laa macam tu, Teja…”

“Cop, I know it’s so wrong the way I think. But I don’t want to settle for less and I feel like no girl should ever. Aku tanak settle just because this guy is good, but then regret my whole life because I know I can get better. But that’s the thing… ada ke yang better?” keluhan dilepaskan. “And that is why I think I won’t get married!”

Fadh garu kepala. Camana ye? “Ntah laa Teja, aku ni bukan laa berpengalaman ke apa. Tapi what I learn in relationship is you have to accept. Belajar terima all the flaws and perfections. Kalau Dee tak terima aku yang pemarah ni dulu, aku tak rasa aku dengan dia will be this far. And aku pun terima je jenis dia yang cakap lepas. Relationship is what you put into and make out of it. Aku tak buat relationship aku based on late night phone calls, always texting camtu. If that’s your ruler for a relationship, it’ll always be. But for me, it’s acceptance.”

Teja diam menghadam.

“Aku tahu kau ni bukan laa bodoh nak cari yang perfect, because we are all flawed. Tapi kau sebenarnya paranoid. And if possible, you wanna play safe. Sebab tu, tiny little things pun boleh buat kau flinched. Tapi kau tak boleh laa aim sky but at the same time kau tak pijak lantai. Kau tak boleh aim the highest possible but not be realistic. You can’t be in the air.

“Kau boleh nak cari someone yang sentiasa faham kau, tapi put your feet on the ground, kau pun kene faham dia. And that applies to everything else. Okay?”

Satu saat, dua saat.

“… Okay.”

 

*the story of Teja has nothing to do with anyone alive. It’s definitely NOT always and entirely my story (as in my life) ✨

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s