Pensil dilepas perlahan dan mata kembali menembus dinding. Zoned out.

“Apesal?” soal orang sebelah selepas beberapa ketika.

“Ntah laa,” mendatar.

Satu saat, dua saat.

“Aku tak rasa aku akan kahwin.”

Haih, dah start dah dia.”Kenapa pulak?” soalnya tanpa mengangkat kepala, pen tetap laju berjalan menulis lab report.

“Ntah laa, the idea itself. It’s so distant, macam… imposibble.”

“Which part? Sex?”

“Ih bongok laa kau!” satu jelingan dilepaskan, diikuti gelak kuat orang sebelah. Pen sudah dilepaskan, dan tangan direnggangkan. Boleh laa ni, take five.

“Ntah laa weh, to love and be loved so strong… sebab macam tipu la benda tu. Aku rasa tade orang, no one in hell can put up with my shits and still say he loves me. It’s just absurd!”

Kat hell memang laa tade, kau bukan nak kahwin dengan setan. Tapi dia cuma diam, mendengar. Gila nak reply macam tu.

“Tahu tak,” badan dialih dari Petrology dan sedimentary rocks di hadapan menghadap Fadh di sebelah kiri. “I always see tiny flaws in people. Like, oh I can’t be with this guy sebab dia macam ni macam ni. Or, I can never make this person happy, there’s no future for us sebab aku rasa he can’t handle me. Every guy I met, even I don’t feel anything for him, I’ll judge him for the smallest things.”


“Contohnya, ni contoh bodoh-bodoh laa eh. Ada this one guy pernah termarah aku sikit. And you know how I react with orang marah-marah ni. Terus aku fikir macam, sorry dude, can’t be with you. Sebab he can’t handle me, that’s why dia marah, and I can’t handle his anger, walaupun he has all the reasons to be angry. Faham tak? Even when he comes with a thousand gentleman qualities inside him.”

“Tak boleh laa macam tu, Teja…”

“Cop, I know it’s so wrong the way I think. But I don’t want to settle for less and I feel like no girl should ever. Aku tanak settle just because this guy is good, but then regret my whole life because I know I can get better. But that’s the thing… ada ke yang better?” keluhan dilepaskan. “And that is why I think I won’t get married!”

Fadh garu kepala. Camana ye? “Ntah laa Teja, aku ni bukan laa berpengalaman ke apa. Tapi what I learn in relationship is you have to accept. Belajar terima all the flaws and perfections. Kalau Dee tak terima aku yang pemarah ni dulu, aku tak rasa aku dengan dia will be this far. And aku pun terima je jenis dia yang cakap lepas. Relationship is what you put into and make out of it. Aku tak buat relationship aku based on late night phone calls, always texting camtu. If that’s your ruler for a relationship, it’ll always be. But for me, it’s acceptance.”

Teja diam menghadam.

“Aku tahu kau ni bukan laa bodoh nak cari yang perfect, because we are all flawed. Tapi kau sebenarnya paranoid. And if possible, you wanna play safe. Sebab tu, tiny little things pun boleh buat kau flinched. Tapi kau tak boleh laa aim sky but at the same time kau tak pijak lantai. Kau tak boleh aim the highest possible but not be realistic. You can’t be in the air.

“Kau boleh nak cari someone yang sentiasa faham kau, tapi put your feet on the ground, kau pun kene faham dia. And that applies to everything else. Okay?”

Satu saat, dua saat.

“… Okay.”


*the story of Teja has nothing to do with anyone alive. It’s definitely NOT always and entirely my story (as in my life) ✨

Subuh Sunday (or Sunday Subuh?)

(Whoever created this thing called Title saja je wants me to look bad in writing, as if I’m not already 😪)


Alhamdulillah, including last Sunday, us Utahan girls berjaya buat Subuh Sunday (or Sunday Subuh, whatever) for 5 weeks already! And that’s what sassy-sis-in-pink-hijab-gif for 😂. It is so good and blessed to be able to gather at least once a week untuk solat berjemaah together, read al-Mathurat, and share some stories (doesn’t matter if it’s islamic, educational, or just how tiring the week is), as it creates a sense of community among us. Plus, I didn’t always get the chance to hang out with my girlssss that much before.

Honestly I’m so so happy with what we did even if it’s infinitesimal compared to what we should do. Because knowing who I was, I rasa macam dah tak kenal diri ni siapa sekarang. With all the sins I surround myself with, at least I have Sunday morning dedicated to God. And them, to remind me when I go astray. Yes, it’s small and nothing much. Baru lima kali je pun 💁 But hey, Allah tengok usaha bukan hasil, kan? Oh oh plus, we get free breakfast by tuan rumah, which we rotate every week, so siapa tak suka kannn? I HAVE to mention that the breakfast served were karipap, begedel, and roti canai 😍

But then, I’m not sure how it’s gonna be after this week because some most of us are going back to Malaysia, and others are moving out. We’re not gonna live under the same roof anymore 😭 so, not sure if we’ll still keep it as Sunday Subuh or change it to Kahfi night like the boys or etcera. We’ll see how it goes and may Allah keep us istiqamah in doing good things 😚 Ameen

#MyUtesNight 2016


This post is definitely something when it starts with a row of party poppers! How can it not be, it’s our first ever University of Utah Malaysian Night!

(I’m totally scraping back all the information, photos, and videos from past emails, fb posts, and whatsapp group 😂)


If you’re friend with me in FB (or real life), you’ll definitely know how excited I am for this big day. If not, maybe we’re not that close of friends? (No worries, you still have a chance 😁). Anyway, the whole idea is from Kak Lina and Kak Shaz, who the latter wasn’t able to be here to plan and celebrate with us. Sorry Kak Shaz, you graduate two years too early!

The high committee teams (and other super awesome Malaysians) had dedicatedly plan and work our ass off since January. We met every Friday night, be it in Chili’s, Kak Lina’s, Afiq’s, Starbucks, or wherever we can. Things discussed include the venue, time, food, advertisement, proposal, entertainment, budget, fund, decorations, videos, and SO MANY MORE! Basically it’s a lot. There were times when everyone want to flip the table, times when we’re just too lazy to meet each other, and times when there’s too many things to handle (or maybe that’s just me?). But no, we didn’t held meeting until 3am because we Utahan value beauty sleep 💁.

But Alhamdulillah, thanks to them this event was a big success. Did I tell you that we were sold out?! We also present the most organized proposal and planning. Which by me, I mean them. We sold the tickets for $5, that includes full meal course (Nasi lemak, apam balik, teh tarik, sirap ais, tepung pelita, seri muka, and murukku), unmissable dancing and silat performances, traditional games, and many more, which I think worth more than five bucks.

One and half week before Malaysian Night, our dancers perform a zapin flash mob in front of Marriott Library. It was … definitely something new, and fun. Sorry, couldn’t find a video of it, I tried. Few days before the event, everyone was (kinda) crazy to sell the tickets, prepare for decorations, practice dancing and silat, buat bunga manggar, edit video, and of course, cook and prepare food. I know it’s too late, but here’s a video for you:


Excited kannnn? I know, me too. On the day of the event, as if we are not serabut enough, things happened (berdebar tak? haha). Our assigned driver was late, or something happened that caused him to be late. I’m not sure, I wasn’t at the site. But we, those at Gould Auditorium were clueless of what to do since all the decorations, food, and even people were at home, waiting for the driver. And it’s 60 – 45 minutes before the event starts. There were people at the door asking where can they claim their tickets. Long story short, they called Uber, things got little crazy but still under control, and by 5.55pm everything looked like in place, and we started at 6.15pm after all the guests were seated.


Screen Shot 2016-05-06 at 1.58.59 AM



New friends from BYU. One wants to be called Hafiz 😂


Oh Andrew, I cant even 😂


Congkak and Mimi my dear


Our chefs 🍴

I have so many more pictures and videos to share, but nahhh, dont wanna overwhelm you. But email me if you really want to see the other cool stuff 💁 Everyone had so much fun. People from BYU, aunties and kakaks also said they enjoyed themselves, and my Geology friends learnt some new malay words. It was totally worth the sleepless nights. Thank you every single person who made this event a huge success and made us feel close to home. See you next year, in shaa Allah 😘 #MyUtesNight


Meine Familie


Post finals thoughts


I tak tahu what I wanna write, but I sure want to write something. So let’s both see where this is going.

I’ve made a lot of thinking this past few days, probably because I had no other stuff to think about (finals over!), or probably it’s that time of the month where my emotions swing like crazy, or probably this mind’s too crowded and need a little sweep off the corner and re-organize here and there. Whatever the reason, it sure makes me realized how messed up and blessed my life is, at least that’s the view from my window.

Tons of things happened this semester. Our first ever Malaysian Night, taking 16 credits, working 10 hours a week (plus tutoring!), spring roadtrip, usrahs and stuff, women’s group discussion, house hunting, senior’s graduation, and just some random late night conversations that made me thinking for days and weeks. All of which I wish would end up in their own personal posts someday (probably here, probably my other blog). But oh well, I too wish I have more time, or better, amazing knack in writing!

Of all the things that happen, I am most grateful for the second chance(s) given. Another homework to make up my 1/10 quiz score, another phone call to say sorry, another treat to become a better friend, another solah to repent my repeated sins, another text to say I love you, another morning to wake up earlier and be healthy, another smile after another tear, and just another day to live and re-live. One more chance is all I need. Thank you to those who stay, and… GOSH listening to instrumental music really doesn’t help in writing a post ’cause I actually did not plan to write mushy stuff tonight!

*switching to FOB*

Basically yeah, terima kasih jadi kawan saya! ❤ big hugs for you, now go live your life 😛